And So It Changes
by BadgerInMySoup
Summary: Joey Potter reflects on her frienship and ever growing relationship with Dawson Leery. Set throughout Season 1.


AN- So, I am a HUGE P/Joer. But, lately I've warmed up to D/Jo a little bit. Only season 1 and early season 2 D/Jo. I've written two other D/Jo fics but I like this one best. I hope you agree. I just sat down and started typing and this is what I came up with.

I haven't written a Dawson's Creek fic in ages and I'm pretty happy with my little comeback. I hope you are too.

* * *

It's all thanks to Jen Lindley, you realize. If she hadn't come along, catching Dawson's interest, you never would have realized how your feelings for your best friend have subtlety shifted within the last few years. Of course, once she returns his interest, any thanks you had towards her is gone. You hate how nervous he is around her, determined to prove himself to someone who probably doesn't want to give him the time of day.

You would. You'd gladly sit on his bed and listen to him talk all day about his movies and his idol.

You're not ready to say love yet. Your friendship is too strong and time withstanding to be damaged by something as trivial as a relationship. So, you convince yourself you're merely being his friend, watching out for him. He takes her to the movies and you're forced to tag along. You make snide remarks and comments, begging her to just snap and walk away.

But she doesn't.

And he snaps at you.

He grabs for her hand in the dark, cool theater and you can't stand it anymore. The lobby is bright and loud and you sit off to the side, trying to stop tears from forming and wishing you didn't feel this way. He follows you. You two argue. You leave. The next time you see him, you question the strength of your friendship by asking the most embarrassing question a girl can ask a guy.

And, he responds.

When he drags you to the dance to find her, you allow yourself to think of how it would be if he'd asked you. When he takes you in his arms for a dance, you can't help but notice how right it feels. And, when he pauses to compliment you, you're certain he feels it too.

Then she shows up, and the moment is gone.

And then you're forced to watch him dance with her, his face peaceful and it stabs at your heart because you realize he hadn't looked that way while you two were moving together.

When Anderson shows up, you're flattered. Here is a living, breathing guy who, for some reason, is interested in you. He doesn't mind your snappy comebacks or your inability to let anyone see the real you. He loves the facade you've put up, the name you've made for yourself. But, you're still you in personality and he likes that.

When he kisses you, your first kiss, you feel a mix of ecstatic, happiness, regret and sadness. You're happy he kissed you. Ecstatic that a guy liked you back. Sad that he's leaving. Regret that it wasn't Dawson's lips that touched upon yours for the first time. You'd always imagined him as your first kiss and, as you discover that he had his own first kiss with Jen, you wonder how many other firsts the two of you will miss out on.

* * *

For the second time since the year started, your friendship is put at stake. You know his mother is cheating, you've known for a while, but you can't tell him. Because you know he'll blame you and the idea of losing him over anything is too heartbreaking to endure.

When he does find out, he comes to you, angry and confused. And, you try to comfort him and he figures out that you know. And, just as you knew he would, he hates you for it. And, he declares you're no longer friends.

You're pretty sure the hole in your heart will never be filled.

You two manage to make up later on, telling a story of a past life in which you both have someone and your friendship is back. And it's great. But you felt the shift that night. Because you finally admitted it to yourself. The idea of losing him, the idea of losing his friendship and his comfort and his familiarity is earth-shattering.

And, you know that you love him.

And, you know that he doesn't love you.

Not the same way. He loves you as a friend, his mind is too wrapped up in Jen and the idea of having an epic romance with her to even consider you as anything more.

Of course, when he discovers her own past, you see the tale he set slowly crumbling around him and you witness their fights while being locked away in his house during the Hurricane. You see his whole life falling apart before his eyes and you wish you could stop it from happening.

His parents.

Jen.

The only thing that's the same and true is you and your friendship. And, at that moment, you don't want to be more. Because you know he needs this to stay the only stable thing in his life. And, you can accept that.

When Bessie goes into labor and you can't get her help, you panic and go to the one person who will help you keep a calm mind. Reluctantly, you accept help from Jen and Grams and you want to be there every moment your sister needs you.

But you can't. Because her pain reminds you of your mother's pain and it's too much to bare.

He comforts you. He, being the only person in the world who can possibly understand, tells you it's okay. And tells you how much Bessie needs you. In his soft eyes, you find the strength to go back and help your sister bring another life into the world.

And you know it's thanks to him.

* * *

Pacey Witter isn't as bad as you once thought. Yeah, he threw out the dare because he knew it would be uncomfortable and painful to kiss Dawson in front of Jen and he's always had no problem making your skin crawl.

But, you think there's another reason. You think he's being the best friend, pushing Dawson towards the girl he thinks is most appropriate and perfect for him because some how, he's figured out how you feel about Dawson.

And, instead of teasing you about it, or shouting it from the rooftops, he's trying to help Dawson realize he could feel the same way. And, for that, you're grateful.

Kissing Dawson is incredible. You're thankful you've both had practice so this isn't as awkward as a first kiss. It's slow and it's perfect and it's everything you want.

And, it ends far too soon.

But for that moment, that time period in which your lips were pressed together, nothing else existed. You didn't feel Jen's glare, or Pacey's smirk and you didn't hear Abby call time.

All that mattered was his lips on yours and the look in his eyes as you pulled away. Confusion, surprise, maybe something else. And hope tugs at your heart because you realize this could be your chance.

You almost admit to him that you've fallen in love with him. You talk of sex and waiting for the right person and you want it to be him. But, you chicken out. Because admitting that could cost you him.

And you'd rather pine away forever than lose the one person who understands you better than anybody else.

When Jen's boyfriend shows up, Pacey takes the opportunity to play matchmaker. He entices you with the idea of Dawson being along at some beach party and Bessie, being the loving older sister she is, tells you to go.

Pacey ditches you the moment you arrive and you should be offended but you're not. Because Dawson walks over to you and you mock the school and your classmates and he invites you back to his place for a movie and you smile and agree. Because it's a movie and it's Dawson and it's so familiar.

Then, he ditches you for Jen.

Granted, getting drunk wasn't the best idea but you need to dull the throbbing ache in your heart. Pacey tries to get you to stop drinking and you realize he is a good friend. Things get blurry for a while. You recall kisses on your neck, drinks being forced into your hand, and arguing. Somehow, you're on the sand and Dawson's concerned face is above you and you smile and thank him for being your hero.

You don't really remember what happened next. When you wake up, your head aches, your stomach churns and your lips tingle. The first thing you do is place your fingers upon them and wonder what exactly had happened the night before. You recall a dream with Dawson and kissing him and you smile because there is a small possibility it wasn't a dream.

While Dawson is gone, you bond with Jen. You guys team up to get back at some punk jock who's spreading rumors about you. And, you realize, had things been different, maybe Jen would have been a good friend to you. But, reality closes in, and she'll always be the girl who got Dawson and you'll never be able to forgive her for that.

* * *

It's Friday the 13th and it's awkward because Jen is bringing Cliff with her to Dawson's house and you hate him for trying to pretend he's okay with it. Because he's not.

He tries to scare you and it works and it's nice because, once again, it's familiar. And, you pull the grand prank back at him, expecting anger and laughter.

You never expected him to admit you dying would suck for him. And, even though it's not an admission of feelings or a declare of his never-dying love, you still have to stop a smile from spreading on your face because he's admitted he cares.

It's the first night you sleep in his bed again.

Unfortunately, he's still dead set on getting Jen back. He takes some random girl on a double date with her and you hate it. Because you desperately want it to be you. But, you're stuck doing extra credit with Pacey.

Which, to your surprise, isn't that bad. Sure, he messes up and kills the snails. The day you to spend together searching for a new one unravels everything you thought about Pacey Witter. You no longer think he's lazy, but you see his dedication to raise his grade. You no longer think he's annoying, but actually kind of funny. Kind of.

He gives you a pep talk and you give one in return and you think that maybe, if things work out between you and Dawson, you've found a new best friend.

And, then he tries to kiss you.

Of course, you push him away and are too weirded out to consider anything. The pain and rejection in his eyes hurts you but it passes quickly and you know you two will be back to bantering within the next few days. Later that night, you briefly allow yourself to wonder what would have happened had you let him kiss you.

You wonder if you would have liked it. You wonder if he would have been a good boyfriend. You wonder if Dawson would have reacted in a positive or negative way. You wonder what it would be like, dating Pacey Witter.

And, as you close your eyes to imagine him kissing you again, he turns into Dawson and your eyes pop open and you know he would have been right. You would have pictured Dawson and that wouldn't have been fair.

You roll over and curse your bad luck that caused you to fall for a guy who will never look your way and rejecting a guy who did.

* * *

Jen convinces you to sign up for the Miss Winderjamer contest and you let her help you to prepare. She teaches you how to walk and helps decide what your talent will be and once again, you imagine how you two could have been friends.

Then, she brings up Dawson. And, once again, reality creeps in.

When Dawson sees you all dressed up for the first time, make-up on your face, the look in his eyes nearly stops you on stage. Because he sees you. For the first time, he's looking at you the way he looked at Jen and you're thrilled.

Until you realize it's the dress and the make-up he sees, not the growing woman underneath it. After the competition, he offers you his jacket outside in the cold. He takes your hand and he looks at you and you know he's about to kiss you.

For the first time, you don't want him to.

You want him to love you for you. Not for this model you've become. You want him to love your natural beauty and your sarcasm and everything that makes you Joey and you run from him.

Then, you're offered to leave Capside. You have the chance to go to Paris and study art and leave this boring town and all the people who frown upon you.

But, the decision is hard, because you don't want to leave Bessie, Bodie, Alex, Pacey, and, of course, Dawson.

Despite everything being awkward between the two of you, you bring him with you to see your dad. Because Dawson's the only one who understands the pain he's caused you. And, you need him there.

You're forced to spend the night together, in a strange bed. But, when you take your own sides, you realize no matter where you are, it will always be Dawson-and-Joey. And, you take comfort in that.

Your father tries to tell you how much he cares but you're not hearing any of that. You tell him everything you've kept inside and you storm out, leaving Dawson to give a hasty goodbye. When he follows you out, you can't understand the look in his eyes and it worries you.

Later that night, after you're away from Dawson and your dad and the decision to go to Paris is creeping into your brain, Pacey shows up. He's had his own problems with his dad and he makes you realize you need to forgive your father. And, he offers to drive you and even bribes the guard to let you in.

Pacey really isn't all that bad.

You tell your father you love him and that you forgive him and that you're scared no one loves you back. When he tells you Dawson does, it takes your breath away. And, if your father, who's been away ever since your feelings for Dawson have changed, can see this, you let yourself believe it's true.

Then, you see him in bed with Jen and your heart breaks into a million tiny pieces.

You wander around town, cursing love and the idea of it. Because you don't want to love. Love only brings pain and you don't ever want to deal with it again. That's when you decide to leave.

You hide in Dawson's closet and the relief on his face when he finds you sways you slightly. Then, you realize he probably just wants to tell of how he and Jen have reunited and you close your heart.

You give him one final chance to admit things have changed. That he has feelings for you. As as he hems and haws and stalls, you realize you'd help on to hope and it's sinking now. With tears threatening to fall, you prepare to leave. You're almost out the window, when he grabs you and he kisses you.

You break apart in shock and you look at him and he just grasps the back of your neck and pulls your lips to his once more. The second time you break apart, you allow yourself to smile because this is really happening and you throw your arms around his neck and you kiss deeply.

You know there's still a decision to be had, a choice to make. But, at the moment, you don't care. It can wait. Everything can wait. Because it's you and it's Dawson and it's perfect.

Just the way it should be.

* * *

Again, hoped you liked!


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